The Word, Charred Cardigan and Kippers of God

For new readers please scroll down for genesis chapter one

11And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

It was quite something, I can tell you, when I put grass seed down on the earth and it sprouted right before my eyes; I planted grass in my garden here this summer and it took a great deal of water over months for any growth at all, and when it did arrive it was patchy to say the least. Oh, and don’t get me started on fruit trees!

12And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

You know the thing I’ve always noticed about King James is his tendency to waffle, or in this case, repeat himself almost word for word! His bible would have been a hell of a lot shorter if he showed some restraint. He did exactly the same in his graphic novel, The Whores Of Tavistock Square.

13And the evening and the morning were the third day.

The days were much shorter in the few hours after the explosion (and counted differently it would seem). It took a while for the earth, sun other planets in the Milky Way etc to work out who went where. The was a lot of unseemly jostling.

14And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

In layman’s terms the sun came up in Devon and Vera brought me out a cup of tea. She was in one of her moods I’m afraid, because I’d been up all night playing with my universe, compounded by the discovery of my slightly charred new cardigan. I was far too busy trying to mollify her to begin the tiresome dividing of days, months, seasons etc. I left that to the people of earth to sort out.

15And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

Although it was a December day it was very sunny, and the universe was caught in a shaft of light. It was pretty awe inspiring; even Vera stopped berating me to look (thank Me).

16And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Well the sun and moon were already in situ as you’d expect if you made a universe, so King James got that wrong, but in fact I did make the stars. Not wanting to walk away just yet I had asked a mostly mollified Vera to bring my shaving equipment to the shed and as I shook the shaving foam a large glob of it hit the top of the universe, and with a sizzling sound it turn into a fine mist and circled various planets.

17And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

If you live in built up areas you can’t see any but the brightest stars. If you want to change this, speak to your local council or start a petition. If you feel very strongly try throwing yourself under the King’s horse.

18And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

This King is obsessed with me seeing that things are good. He makes me sound like a simpleton.

19And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

Another repetition! Can we not just take it as read? It’s the perfunctory murders of the whores in The Whores Of Tavistock Square all over again…

20And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

Vera came back out to the shed to tell me the kippers were almost done when she exclaimed ‘ooh look, fish!’ For a moment I thought she meant the kippers, but no, the moment I turn my back the Earth (I decided it now deserved a capital letter) was covered in more wildlife than Sir David Attenborough could imagine in his wettest boyhood dream.

21And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

If saying I wonder if there are whales and seagulls or (my favourite) cormorants is the the same thing as laboriously going through every known species then he’s right.

22And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

Flowery language alert! I basically said ‘what a marvellous sight Vera, I hope the Earth will be a perfect eco-system for all wildlife’.

23And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

‘And the whore that was bludgeoned was the fifth one’

24And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

It was at this point that we noticed a terrible smell coming from the house. We haired down the very well laid garden path, where as I may have mentioned in my first post, we have a beautiful herbaceous border, not at its best in December of course. Where was I? Oh yes, the kippers were ruined so we had to make do with toast. It’s not all glamour being God!

25And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Yes. This was my little joke; I wanted to see what I could do with this planet of mine so I gave all the creatures my face, each and every one of them except one flamingo to which I gave the face of Barry White as I thought it would be amusing. (It was)

26And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Let’s face it man (and to a lesser extent Woman) is better than every other thing in the world, so I thought if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, and I set about the task of making man…

“Talk about a Big Bang” – Genesis

1In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

Well now strictly speaking, in the beginning God was in the gents department of Mark’s & Spencer. I was looking for a thick winter cardie as I was about to start my Christmas holiday tinkering with my train set in the shed at the bottom of my garden. Evidently one of my more powerful insecticides had started leaking it’s noxious fumes into the air and what with my having a particularly bad winter cold I was unaware of the serious confluence of events as I struck a match to light my briar pipe. The next thing I know, I find I’ve accidentally created one of those universe things you hear about on the telly; and to put a tin lid on it the explosion had badly singed my new cardie!

2And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

Oh dear, King James is a gloomy old thing isn’t he? I wish I could show him one of my magic tricks, that would soon have him chuckling, especially if Vera had mixed him one of her famous snowballs first! Anyway James is right in the thrust of what he says even if I feel he could brighten in up a little. I had a good look through the darkness of space to find many different galaxies, spiral arms and legs etc. Until by and by (I like that phrase and now worry I may have deployed it a little early) I discovered our very own Milky Way. The earth was indeed without form, and void is an apt discription. What many theologians misunderstand though is the next part. The spirit that God ‘moved upon the face of the waters’ was in fact a splash of Glenmorangie in an attempt to hurry things along a little.

3And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

This makes me sound like a very domineering husband. In fact I was the one who took the kitchen steps upstairs, opened the hatch and retrieved the extension lead from the loft. It gets dark so early in the winter and I needed the light so I could look after my little universe. (I must admit at one stage I did ask Vera to move the light a little nearer.)

4And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

This is more difficult than it sounds…

5And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

I’ve never been one for practical jokes. You can keep your Jeremy Beadle’s and your Candid Cameras.

6And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

Now I have no memory of this whatsoever. Vera asked me to pop inside and chide the paper boy for a very slipshod attitude (I do all the chiding within our marriage.) It’s my belief that Vera brought about a firmament in the midst of the waters but she stubbornly denies it. (However much I chide her).

7And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

Utter Gibberish. Of course King James, though a very devout man, was also driven to the edge of insanity by the galloping Syphilis that ran and continues to run throughout the British royal family. He is thought to have contracted it while a choir boy at Nettleshame Abbey. His name has been changed (and then reinstated) for legal reasons.

8And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Now this is the first mention of Heaven. I think the problem here is the difficulty the people of earth have in hearing me. There’s such a cacophony of noise, not only on the ground but up in the atmosphere and throughout the endless expanse of space. In fact I live in Devon. (It’s lovely; no immigrants)

9And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

judicious use of a hairdryer here…

10And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

It was good if I say so myself. I’ve always been a tidy man as a look at my herbaceous boarders would prove. As for the the naming of things, I found it relatively easy as they’ve all been named before.

The shed that houses a universe
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