For new readers please scroll down for genesis chapter one
11And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
It was quite something, I can tell you, when I put grass seed down on the earth and it sprouted right before my eyes; I planted grass in my garden here this summer and it took a great deal of water over months for any growth at all, and when it did arrive it was patchy to say the least. Oh, and don’t get me started on fruit trees!
12And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
You know the thing I’ve always noticed about King James is his tendency to waffle, or in this case, repeat himself almost word for word! His bible would have been a hell of a lot shorter if he showed some restraint. He did exactly the same in his graphic novel, The Whores Of Tavistock Square.
13And the evening and the morning were the third day.
The days were much shorter in the few hours after the explosion (and counted differently it would seem). It took a while for the earth, sun other planets in the Milky Way etc to work out who went where. The was a lot of unseemly jostling.
14And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
In layman’s terms the sun came up in Devon and Vera brought me out a cup of tea. She was in one of her moods I’m afraid, because I’d been up all night playing with my universe, compounded by the discovery of my slightly charred new cardigan. I was far too busy trying to mollify her to begin the tiresome dividing of days, months, seasons etc. I left that to the people of earth to sort out.
15And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
Although it was a December day it was very sunny, and the universe was caught in a shaft of light. It was pretty awe inspiring; even Vera stopped berating me to look (thank Me).
16And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
Well the sun and moon were already in situ as you’d expect if you made a universe, so King James got that wrong, but in fact I did make the stars. Not wanting to walk away just yet I had asked a mostly mollified Vera to bring my shaving equipment to the shed and as I shook the shaving foam a large glob of it hit the top of the universe, and with a sizzling sound it turn into a fine mist and circled various planets.
17And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
If you live in built up areas you can’t see any but the brightest stars. If you want to change this, speak to your local council or start a petition. If you feel very strongly try throwing yourself under the King’s horse.
18And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
This King is obsessed with me seeing that things are good. He makes me sound like a simpleton.
19And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
Another repetition! Can we not just take it as read? It’s the perfunctory murders of the whores in The Whores Of Tavistock Square all over again…
20And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
Vera came back out to the shed to tell me the kippers were almost done when she exclaimed ‘ooh look, fish!’ For a moment I thought she meant the kippers, but no, the moment I turn my back the Earth (I decided it now deserved a capital letter) was covered in more wildlife than Sir David Attenborough could imagine in his wettest boyhood dream.
21And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
If saying I wonder if there are whales and seagulls or (my favourite) cormorants is the the same thing as laboriously going through every known species then he’s right.
22And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
Flowery language alert! I basically said ‘what a marvellous sight Vera, I hope the Earth will be a perfect eco-system for all wildlife’.
23And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
‘And the whore that was bludgeoned was the fifth one’
24And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
It was at this point that we noticed a terrible smell coming from the house. We haired down the very well laid garden path, where as I may have mentioned in my first post, we have a beautiful herbaceous border, not at its best in December of course. Where was I? Oh yes, the kippers were ruined so we had to make do with toast. It’s not all glamour being God!
25And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
Yes. This was my little joke; I wanted to see what I could do with this planet of mine so I gave all the creatures my face, each and every one of them except one flamingo to which I gave the face of Barry White as I thought it would be amusing. (It was)
26And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Let’s face it man (and to a lesser extent Woman) is better than every other thing in the world, so I thought if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, and I set about the task of making man…